


Ghostventures Episode 1; The Idolatrine of IKEA

by pengwyn_princess



Series: Ghostventures [1]
Category: Ghost (Swedish Band)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-09-01 13:55:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8627098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pengwyn_princess/pseuds/pengwyn_princess
Summary: Papa and the Ghouls embark on their greatest adventure yet into the pits of the greatest labyrinth known to man; IKEA. Will they be able to make it out? Will they remember their mission? Will Earth end up locked in a wardrobe? Read on to find out!





	

**Author's Note:**

> The idea came to me driving home from work one day that it would be hilarious to see Papa and the Ghouls if they were let loose in IKEA. I pitched the idea to my Sisters' and the rest is now history!

Papa Emeritus III and the Ghouls stood there staring into the abyss.  
"Are we really going in there?" Earth asked nervously.  
Papa nodded and licked his dry lips. "Brothers, we must remember our mission. As soon as we step through this gateway to hell chances are high that our memories will be tampered with."  
Alpha huffed, "You underestimate us, Emeritus. You really think us to be that weak-willed?"  
"That's right," Omega chimed in, "We are not easily swayed."  
They all looked at one another, nodded, and stepped through the automatic doors and onto the white tiled floor.  
"Remember, we must stick..." Papa looked around, but he was alone, not a Ghoul in sight, "...together..."  
Papa sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose in irritation. He knew this was going to happen. They would all show up by the exit eventually, he might as well get down to what he was there for. Grabbing a map, a handful of golf pencils, and a paper measuring tape, he stepped onto the escalator to go up to the furniture showroom floor.  
~  
Water had run off to the section with all of the sofas. Going up to one of the sleeper sofas, he pulled the sectional out to make it a bed. He then went over and pulled out all the rest of the sectionals before skirting off through the furniture and to the coffee tables.  
"Excuse me!" he shouted, waving down a male worker, "How much weight can this table hold?"  
"Which one? The Lack? Um I would have to go check..."  
"No need," Water waved him off and stepped up onto the table.  
"Sir! You cannot stand on that table!" the panic employee attempted to get Water down, but Water just ignored him.  
"Sorry! I can't hear you over my asweomeness!" he shouted as he played air guitar.  
~  
Alpha had made it to his favorite part of the entire store; the beds. Walking briskly to the nearest one, he climbed on top of it, stretched his lanky frame across, put his hands underneath his head, sighed, and closed his eyes.  
After about five seconds, he opened his eyes, crawled off the bed and went to the one next to it, performing the same calming ritual as he went down the line of beds one after another.  
"E...excuse me, sir," a quiet voice interrupted his five seconds with a Hasselvika Luröy and he opened one eye irritably.  
"What," he grumbled to the store worker, "Can't you see I'm busy?"  
"I'm sorry, sir, but store policy states that customers aren't allowed to lay on the beds..." the woman fidgeted nervously.  
Alpha swung his feet over the side of the bed.  
"So you're telling me I can't test drive before I purchase? Isn't that just a little bit ridiculous? Hey Emeritus!"  
Alpha called to Papa as he walked around the corner, writing a product number down. Papa looked up and rolled his eyes.  
"Well good to see that I've found ONE of you. Are you harassing this poor worker?"  
"She told me I'm not allowed to lie on the beds! Can you believe that? What kind of crazy house are they running here?!?!"  
"Alpha you're a grown man. Handle it yourself," Papa turned around and headed towards one of the room models.  
Alpha turned his attention back to the IKEA worker.  
"Well if I can't lie on the beds as a customer then I guess you'll just have to lay with me," he purred as he reached for her.  
She jumped backwards with a startled squeak and scampered off in the direction of the entertainment stands. Alpha grinned in triumph and sauntered off in the same direction Papa went. He then proceeded to throw himself onto the Undredal that was on display in the small "bedroom."  
"So have you found what we were looking for yet?" Alpha asked Papa as the lead singer pulled the light plugs out of the wall and unscrewed the light bulb, pocketing it in his jacket pocket.  
"No," Papa sighed," I'm still looking. This place is the biggest labyrinth I've ever encountered."  
He opened the closet door, but since his eyes still on Alpha and mind on their conversation he completely missed the tiny figure lean out from behind the hung clothes.  
"BOO!" Earth shouted, making Papa jump, a sound of surprise escaping from his throat. Alpha lurched backwards from shock, head smacking against the headboard.  
"Earth what the HELL?!?!" Alpha shouted, rubbing the back of his head as Earth laughed maniacally.  
"What are you doing in the closet?" Papa asked, "Get out of there before you hurt yourself!"  
"They kicked me out of the kid's playroom," Earth pouted as he clamored off the shelf, "And they had Frozen on!"  
"Well no surprise there," Alpha mumbled under his breath before climbing off the Undredal and heading towards a black-brown Hemnes.  
"Okay now that I've found you both let's try to stay..." Papa started, but Earth took off again in the direction of the mattresses and the dressers, "...together."  
With a sigh he walked over to Alpha, who seemed to be really enjoying the Hemnes model.  
"I'll be along in a minute," Alpha drowsily told the front man, not even bothering to open his eyes.  
"Very well then," Papa replied and walked over to another staged room. Something caught his eye and he turned abruptly to do a double-take. His lips curved into a seductive smile and his eyes narrowed.  
"Well hello there. What is a beautiful creature like you doing in a place like this? You have definitely caught my eye, my lovely. I am positive it is a sin to look that attractive," he bit his bottom lip and waggled his eyebrows up and down as he turned this way and that, admiring his reflection in the full body mirror.  
~  
Omega stood there, pondering. There were just so many choices, how could he possibly decide? He tapped his tray on the metal bars in front of the food station.  
"Fuck it," he said finally, causing the old portly man behind the counter to jump, "I want it all. A plate of the meatballs, no vegetables...no vegetables...DAMMIT DO NOT PUT VEGETABLES ON THAT PLATE! The hot smoked salmon, ooh! and the waffles!"  
The old man dished each request up in turn with a dissatisfied sniff and Omega managed to balance each plate on the tray before turning around, pouring himself a bowl of whatever soup they had in the carafe, grabbed a handful of packaged crackers, a slice of chocolate cake, and an empty cup to fill at the drink station.  
"Will that be all for you today, sir?" the cashier asked.  
Omega turned around and grabbed a piece of toast. "This, too," he said, putting it on top of his meatballs. He then reached into his pocket and handed the cashier a stack of Mummy Dust.  
"Um, sir," the cashier hesitantly handed Omega back the stack, "I'm sorry but we don't take this form of currency."  
Grumbling under his breath, Omega stuffed the Mummy Dust back in his pocket and reached into his other pocket, pulling out a wad of bills. As the cashier sifted through and straightened the bills to count them, Omega's hand reemerged from his pocket with a handful of coins.  
"25...50...60...65...66...67...68!"  
Handing the cashier the change, he turned on his heel and marched over to an unoccupied table by the kid's section.  
"Ooh! Aladdin! My favorite!" He exclaimed when he saw what movie was on.  
He plopped down in the chair, adjusting his mask so he could eat and watch at the same time.  
~  
Air had discovered his perfect spot; the mini house. He lay stretched out across the bed/couch waiting for unsuspecting customers to walk through. The first ones, a young couple, walked in and paused, staring at the ghoul in confusion.  
"Hello!" he chirped, swinging his legs over the edge of the frame of the bed-couch hybrid so he could stand up.  
"Welcome to my humble abode," he gestured, throwing his arms out wide further confusing the couple.  
"Let me take you on a tour. We are currently standing in my living/bedroom. It's quite convenient as I don't have to get up to go to bed after spending a late night up playing video games or watching television. And whenever I'm hungry or need another beer, my kitchen is only a few steps away! Now take a look into the bathroom. Notice the tiled floor throughout and the drain in the center of the floor. This area is perfect for washing off the dirt and grime of the day or the blood from a goat sacrifice!"  
At this the couple turned around and promptly left the little model, leaving the ghoul grinning from ear to ear behind his mask. He sauntered back over to the couch and laid down on it, waiting for his next victim.  
~  
Papa and Alpha were walking through the bedroom storage area after Alpha tried out all of the beds and Papa was done admiring himself in the mirror.  
"I have no idea where the rest of your brothers went," Papa told Alpha as he unscrewed one of the dresser drawer knobs and put it in his pocket.  
"Well my guess is that Omega is probably stuffing his face in the food court," Alpha huffed as they continued town the walkway towards the wardrobes.  
"Good point. We'll have to grab him after we go through the children's section," Papa replied as he opened a wardrobe.  
"BOO!" shouted Earth, who had somehow lodged himself in the confines of the small space.  
Both Papa and Alpha jumped backwards startled as Earth giggled.  
"Seriously Earth?!?!" Alpha raged, his blood starting to boil.  
"What?" Earth replied innocently, "I had to hide. The employee in the mattress section chased me off because apparently it is frowned upon in this establishment to jump on the mattresses."  
Both Papa and Alpha rolled their eyes, and Alpha reached into the wardrobe, grabbed a hangar, slammed the wardrobe doors shut, and stuck the hangar around the handles.  
"H-hey guys! Let me out! Okay you got me! This isn't funny anymore! I'll stop! I promise! Let me out please! Guys? GUYS!" Earth's muffled cries for help fell on deaf ears as Papa and Alpha continued on throughout the store.  
~  
Every time Water had passed a light fixture of any kind he felt the urge to turn it off if it was on and turn it on if it was off. He was walking through the bedroom section when he heard banging and crying coming from one of the wardrobes. Upon unjamming the hanger from the handles, he opened the doors and stepped to the side allowing Earth to tumble out.  
“Earth? What are you doing in the wardrobe?” he asked, although his tone held no surprise at the small Ghoul’s predicament.  
“Papa and Alpha locked me in!” Earth sobbed, “They’re so mean!”  
“Well you’re okay now,” Water patted his smaller brother on the head affectionately.  
“Thank you, Water,” Earth sniffed and then was off again through the store.  
Water shrugged his shoulders and continued on. Somehow he had made it all the way to the lighting section. His first mission was to turn every single light off, gaining him odd looks from customers. After he reached the end of the section he turned around, admiring his work with pride. He then went back and turned every single light back on. Seeing that all of the lights had been returned to their glowing state, he started turning them all off again.  
~  
Air was walking through the children’s section. He stopped in front of the display of stuffed animals and reached for a Vandring Igelkott hedgehog when Earth burst through the pile of toys with a loud “BOO!”  
Air let out a shriek of surprise as he punched the tiny ghoul in the face and ran off down the stairs and into the marketplace. Upon entering the downstairs area, his eyes grew wide and he quickly grabbed a cart and attached a yellow bag to it.  
"Ooh! A Vardagen potato masher! We don't have one of those! What?!?! Pruta food containers? And a set of 17?!?! We definitely need that! Bevara sealing clips? Set of 30? Well the boys ARE pretty bad about leaving open bags of chips and cereal and all that so I should probably get that. Gunstig trivets? And they're MAGNETIC?!?! Well we need a new spatula since Omega decided to put our last one through the garbage disposal. And it's $0.99 it's almost like they're GIVING it away! Ooh potato press on sale for $6.99!  
~  
Alpha and Papa found Omega right where they thought he would be; the food court. He was now currently gorging himself on the Swedish Christmas sampling platter, eyes glued to the television. If he was aware of the others’ presence, he gave no indication.  
Papa sighed – he had been doing a lot of that today – and stood in front of the feasting ghoul, blocking the television.  
“Hey!” Omega exclaimed, leaning this way and that to see around the small dark pope’s frame, “I’m watching that!”  
“Let’s go, Omega. Before you eat the whole restaurant out and leave us broke,” Papa scolded.  
Omega grumbled under his breath, jammed the last bite of beet salad in his mouth, and stood up so he could go put his empty dishes away. On his way to the dish station, he stopped, staring at the menu.  
“Oh! I didn’t get to try the smoked salmon sandwich!” he placed his dishes on the kart and walked back over to the food line when Alpha caught him by the back of his jacket.  
“I don’t think so. I think you’ve had more than enough to feed the army of hell umpteenth times over,” the lead guitarist dragged his slightly taller brother away and out of the food court.  
On their way to the stairs down to the marketplace, a defiant Omega still in tow, Papa spotted Earth lying on the top of the bin of stuffed animals.  
“Come on Earth, now is no time to be taking a nap,” he chided as he dragged the tiny ghoul from the ocean of assorted squeaky animals.  
It didn’t take them long to find Air either. He was currently enamored by the home organization section, grabbing as many BÄSTIS hooks as he could and tossing them into the large yellow bag.  
“Leave it, Air,” Papa grabbed the keyboardist with his free hand and dragged him away from the cart.  
“Noooooo!”Air wailed, squirming in an attempt to release himself from the lead singer’s grip, “We NEED all of that!”  
“We most certainly do NOT,” Papa countered, “Alpha, be a dear and go grab Water. He’s playing with light switches again.”  
Alpha marched over, Omega still in tow, and grabbed the ghoul that was under a Regolit, switching it on and off repeatedly.  
Now that Papa finally had all his ghouls in one spot, it was time to head into the Self-Service Furniture Area.  
“Okay gentleman, we are almost done with our little excursion. Now we are going to pick up what we need and…”  
Poor Papa never got a chance to finish his sentence. Air grabbed Earth, throwing him into a yellow bag that was hooked to a cart and took off, Earth squealing with delight. Omega climbed on top of one of the furniture carts and Water began to push him.  
“Onward!” Omega bellowed as Air and Water began to race through the furniture aisles, leaving Papa and Alpha standing at the entrance.  
“You know, I’m not even surprised anymore,” Alpha retorted as he grabbed a cart and followed the front man as he searched for the items on his list.  
They found the rest of the ghouls sitting at a table model passing the bowls, cups, and silverware back and forth.  
“What are you all doing now?” Alpha asked as he stopped the cart at the amusing sight.  
“We’re having supper!” Earth piped up, “Care to join us?”  
Alpha and Papa looked at each other, shrugged, and sat down at the table. Everyone raised their empty glasses, cheered an echoing “Hell Satan!” and clacked the plastic against one another’s.  
~  
After they had finished loading the ghostmobile of the purchases and had ensured that they purchased some of their favorite food items from the small convenience store, the ghouls and Papa all loaded into the large vehicle. Papa let out what he hoped would be the last sigh for the day, he turned around and counted to make sure everyone was in the car.  
“One, two, three, four…where’s Omega?”  
The ghouls looked at each other and started in on a rock, paper, scissors war, which Alpha lost, much to his chagrin.  
“I’ll go get him,” he grumbled as he opened the big door to the van.  
He returned shortly with Omega in tow, arms full with a box of pizza and a bag of hot dogs. After Alpha shoved Omega in the car and climbed in himself, Papa counted again, saw that all the ghouls were present and accounted for, and leaned back in his seat with his eyes closed, thankful that the excursion was finally over.  
“That was fun! We should do that again!” Earth piped up excitedly, and the rest of the ghouls agreed.  
Papa’s eyes shot open. Unfortunately for the dark papal figure, the Ghostventures had only just begun.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed the light fun and the tomfoolery of Papa and the gang got themselves into! Suggestions on where they should take their next adventure to would be greatly appreciated! NemA!


End file.
